crystalcazzie: (Moulin Rouge Done Sex)
Secret Cinema was a mixture of good and bad. I wanted to like it a lot more than I did. I wanted to throw myself into it and enjoy it all without worrying and feeling self-conscious but, unfortunately, that's a lot easier said than done. I think my main problem was with the uncertainty of it all. During the first part of the evening there was no indication of what we were supposed to do and I hated that. I always like to know exactly what's expected of me and what I'm meant to be doing, but here I spent the whole time on edge worrying that I was going to get it wrong.

Then we moved into a room with loud music and a crowded dance floor, which has never been my idea of fun, so that did nothing to help my mood.

As we took our seats for the actual film I was feeling stressed, anxious, and hugely disappointed by this thing that I'd been so excited for for so long. And then it got a million times better. Moulin Rouge is one of my favourite films so I was determined to enjoy it anyway, but seeing the people acting it out on the stage in front of the screen was brilliant. And everyone sang along really loudly, which is exactly what I wanted because I love singing along but I didn't want to risk anyone hearing me. I also managed not to cry at the ending. Partly by imagining that this was all a clever ruse for Christian and Satine to escape and make new lives together, and partly by thinking about my icon.

So I left the experience feeling conflicted. I really wish I'd been able to enjoy the whole thing, because it was a spectacular set up and the costumes were amazing. I also worried far too much beforehand about making sure my costume was right. I could have worn almost anything as long as it was vaguely Moulin Rouge-esque and would have been fine. I kinda wish I had just worn a corset and Victorian skirt. I'd probably have felt more comfortable (emotionally, if not physically!)
crystalcazzie: (DW River hair)
Mum and I went blood doning today. I wasn't able to donate cos my haemoglobin levels were too low, so Mum made up for it by donating too much. We both got handy leaflets to take home with us. It was funny cos before we went we were joking that Tilly wanted me to stay home and Mum could just donate for both of us!

In my previous entry I promised a more in-depth post about the wedding, so here we go:

I'm still not sure why I was an anxious about going to this thing. I mean, yeah, I know I'm still not great with being sociable but I've made so much progress in the past 15 years. I wasn't expecting this to affect me so much, but I was shaking on the way down and on the verge of tears quite a few times. I texted Paul and made him meet up with me before we checked in so I didn't have to go in by myself. And then I felt guilty for being so clingy.

The hotel was nice, although I had an issue with my door not locking. Paul and I went to reception and they said they'd send someone up to check it. After the ceremony I decided to pop up and see if it was fixed, but it still opened without the keycard. So I went back down and they said they'd sent someone and he said it was fine. Clearly didn't do a very good job with that! The lady then moved me to another room, so I went and moved my stuff down while pictures were being taken. It wasn't a big deal, but I really didn't need another thing to worry about when I was already so anxious.

The ceremony was nice, although out of date. The officiant said that "The law of this country defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman" and I was sitting there thinking "Not any more!" The meal was good too. Because the wedding was superhero themed we all got characters on our placecards. I was Storm, although I was sat on the Spiderman table rather than the X-Men one. But that's ok. Beast and Gambit were also there with me.

The reception followed, which was where I struggled a lot. The music was so loud and overwhelming I again felt close to tears and just wanted to escape. But I stuck it out. What helped a lot was moving to a nearby room where we could still hear the music, but it was at a far more manageable level. I wish we'd thought to do that earlier, but people seemed to be having fun dancing. The groom's father made me get up and dance at one point, which I really wish I was able to enjoy but I just felt too uncomfortable and self conscious. I told myself that I'd dance again when they played my song request, but they never did.

The hotel was only a couple of miles from my house but I chose to stay over so I didn't have to worry about getting a taxi home, and I'm glad I did. It was one less thing to panic about, and it meant that I got to have breakfast with friends (including the bride and groom) the next day, which was nice.

So yeah, I'm trying to focus on the positives of the weekend (namely the fact that I went and stuck it out till the end and it was a lovely wedding) and not so much the negatives (how much I leaned on Paul for support the whole time and the fact that I was panicking about quite simple things in the first place.)

And despite the fact that it went mostly well, I still spent a lot of Sunday plagued with the idea that everyone I talked to or interacted with now thinks I'm a horrible person because of something I said or did or didn't say or didn't do. That was fun.

BBQ Report

Jun. 26th, 2015 06:28 pm
crystalcazzie: (DW River hair)
So, after my previous post in which I moaned about it being too hot, the British weather decided to respond by giving us a grey and rainy Saturday. Thanks, weather. It wasn't too bad though. We were able to get some barbecuing in in between the showers and there was Polish fighting beer to tide us over. Typical British BBQ.

There were quite a lot of people there and it was nice to see some folks I haven't seen in a while, but it was also rather overwhelming. Especially since a couple of the people, lovely though they are, are very loud and outgoing. Not that that's a bad thing, but it is rather exhausting to be around.

One moment that still sticks with me is when my friend said "Ahh, I love relaxing weekends like this" and I just kind of gaped at him because I had literally just been thinking about how tiring it all was! It was still fun, of course. I'm not saying that I had a bad time or that I didn't want to be there, but it was most definitely NOT relaxing!

My favourite part of the day had to be the evening, when half the people had gone and those of us who remained played Cards Against Humanity and Lord of Waterdeep. I love board games and I really wish I had more opportunities to play them. Especially the BSG board game, which is always fun. Trouble is you need at least three people to play at all, and really it's better with four or more, and I don't know that many people nearby who'd be interested.

In other news, I finally paid eBay the 30p that I've apparently owed them since 2008. Never let it be said that I don't clear my debts quickly.
crystalcazzie: (DW Eleven/River)
A week ago today I started off my London adventure by going to the Doctor Who Symphonic Spectacular! It was amazing and I love Murray Gold's music so much. I do wish there had been more of a focus on the music of the Eleventh Doctor's era, but that's just my personal preference. I would have loved to have heard Together or Not at All - The Song of Amy and Rory (even though it would totally have made me cry right there in the arena) and The Wedding of River Song. I'd also hoped they would play the full version of I Am the Doctor, which is one of my favourite pieces ever, but I had to make do with it being part of The Pandorica Suite. Not that I'm complaining, because it is used so perfectly there and is one of the most epic things I've ever seen/heard!

I knew of two people I'd met before that were planning to go and hoped to meet up with them for a drink or something beforehand, but it didn't really work out. One of them was ill and had to cancel. The other one I did manage to see for a couple of minutes before she hurried off. I fear I was a bit awkward and didn't do a very good job talking to her, which upset me a bit. I thought I was doing better with things like that but it was like my brain froze and everything inside me tied up. I made sure to text her during the interval to ask what she thought of it so far, cos I didn't want our last interaction to have been so awkward! And I think it was ok, she texted back and we had a conversation about stealing one of the Daleks that went right past me, and afterwards she mentioned a video she'd taken where a Cyberman looked right at her! She put it online and it is indeed very cool!

I had a really good seat too. Right at the front of C-block, so there was a walkway right in front of me which meant I had a really good view when the monsters came out and into the audience. The Dalek going right past me was brilliant. And I got terrorised by a dream crab walking right towards me! Sadly the Cyberman bypassed the bit I was in, which was a shame. But at least there was no danger of being upgraded!

I took a load of photos and some of them came out really well. I put them on Tumblr, but I'll share them here too:

All the Strange, Strange Creatures )

Peter Davison was a wonderful host; very funny and charming. I loved all his references to being replaced by Colin Baker, and David Tennant being his son-in-law, and the fact that the venue had had to be evacuated a couple of days before because they found an unexploded WWII bomb nearby. I was especially fond of one of his comments near the end where he said "This evening has been a blast. And I mean that in the sense of it having been a very good night and not in the sense of an unexploded World War II bomb."

So overall, it was a brilliant evening. Topped off by a drink at the Udderbelly on the Southbank where Paul and I proved that we were hip and down with the kids by taking a selfie of ourselves with our drinks and posting it on Twitter.

So cool.
crystalcazzie: (DW River hair)
I have returned from my London adventure! Which, I realise, I didn't actually mention that I was going on, but yeah. I'm back now. I went to London on Saturday and stayed with my friend for the next few days. We went to a couple of concerts, watched Eurovision, baked biscuits, and, on days when he had to work, I found ways to amuse myself out and about. (I'm really proud of myself for that last one cos my social anxiety was like "Just stay inside and watch his Netflix all day" but I told it "NO! No, I am in London, the sun is shining, I have no work and all this free time. I am going to DO STUFF!" And stuff I did.

I'm going to come back and make proper entries later cos I want to give my adventure all the detail it deserves and I don't really have time for that right now. Hopefully tomorrow. It'll give me another excuse to put off tidying the living room, which I desperately need to do but keep not doing. Yay procrastination!

Also, I am currently drinking T.E.A. It's a bitter, which I never thought I would like but it's actually pretty good.
crystalcazzie: (My Mate Marmite)
I have just eaten cake in honour of the Jubilee. And later I plan to have Pimms and strawberries in honour of the Jubilee. And then tomorrow I might even open a bottle of fizz in honour of the Jubilee.

As you can see, I am a big fan of cake and booze the Jubilee.

Maybe if I get tipsy enough I'll actually get up the courage to post on the forums for the convention I'm going to and possibly send messages on Tumblr and try to make friends with some of the people I follow who are also going. I've been trying to get up the courage to do this for a few weeks now. It's not going great.
crystalcazzie: (Default)
So, yeah. Further to my previous post here on LJ, I have gone ahead and booked a ticket for the 11th Hour convention.

And now I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking.

Seriously, what madness possessed me? I am going to have to travel to Birmingham by myself. I am going to have to make my way from the station to the hotel by myself. I am going to have to check into the hotel, which involves talking to people like a regular human being, by myself. I am going to have to attempt to make friends with complete strangers in the hopes that I won't end up spending three days sad and alone. I am going to (hopefully, subject to work commitments) meet two of my favourite celebrities and do my best not to embarrass myself horribly in front of them.

And all this when I could have not taken the risk and instead spent the weekend safe and at home with the internet and my DVD box sets.

But I'm tired of playing it safe and not doing things I want to. So I am taking the risk and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I just really hope this goes well and my attempt at being braver and more sociable doesn't blow up in my face and leave me feeling even worse.
crystalcazzie: (Default)
Ok, so no one wants to do things with me. That's fine. I'll just disown you all and find new friends. Or maybe I'll build some. Out of Lego and sticky back plastic. :p

So now I'm wondering if I should do the things I mentioned anyway, just by myself. I keep coming back to the 11th Hour convention and wondering if I should just buy a ticket, go on my own and see if I can make friends there. I am very tempted to do it. The trouble is that if I retreat into my shell as usual and fail to make friends then I'm stuck by myself for three days feeling sad and lonely. It's a risk, but maybe one I should take. Of course that may be the alcohol talking.

Yes, I am fairly tipsy right now. It's my parents' wedding anniversary so we've opened a bottle of fizz to celebrate. Mum and I only realised the significance of the day as I was checking the use-by date of my vegetable lasagne when I was trying to decide what to have for dinner. And then this happened:

Mum: 32 years. Murderers get less.
My mind: It can't be 32 years. They got married three years before I was born and... Oh god I'm old.

So... yeah. I'm getting old. I should take risks. I should go to conventions by myself and not be a total loser.

I find it funny and rather pathetic that 'going to conventions by myself' and 'total loser' are apparently opposites in my mind. Oh well.
crystalcazzie: (Default)
In an attempt to gain confidence and be more outgoing I am talking to people on Tumblr. I am doing it on anon (baby steps people) and even though they have no idea who I am and I am not saying anything rude, I am still shaking with anxiety.

Good job being a normal human being there, self. Nothing ridiculous about that at all.


Jan. 5th, 2012 07:04 pm
crystalcazzie: (Default)
Sometimes I think I should take more chances, step out of my nice and safe little rut and take opportunities that I would have otherwise turned down. Even if it's just a little thing like going to another store for a few days to help out with something there.

So I say I will. And then I realise what a fucking stupid decision that was. Note to self: Your nice and safe little rut is nice and safe. Stepping out of it just leads to anxiety, stress and misery. Don't do it.

In brighter news, I was glancing through my junk mail folder to make sure nothing important got caught there before I emptied it and I saw an email with the subject "You will be Killed in December 21, 2012 ( End Of The World )" Nice and direct there. I appreciate that. I'm a bit confused by the fact that the email itself then went on to say we need to be prepared and have disaster survival kits. I'm not sure how much that will help at the end of the world, but whatever. I'm sure the spammers know best.
crystalcazzie: (Snowman and Santa)
Today I went to the post office to send off presents for overseas people. It was just as horribly anxiety-inducing as I expected and I felt like an idiot for quite a while afterwards. But at least it's done, so yay for that.

Also today at work I brought out a product that came in a plastic bag that had "Do avoid suffocation" written on it. I like the idea that it's a polite suggestion rather than a warning.

The Christmas rush has definitely started now. We've been rather hideously busy as of late. And our opening hours have extended. I start work at 8:30 all next week. This does not fill me with joy.

Day 15

Nov. 15th, 2011 07:58 pm
crystalcazzie: (DW River hair)
I finished watching Moll Flanders last night. I kinda want to watch it again right now. I'm also more convinced than ever that Alex Kingston's hair possesses magical powers.

I think I'm making some progress with the being sociable thing. Still not great, but slowly getting there. Sent a couple of emails and a text. Hopefully I can keep the momentum going tomorrow and not retreat into myself as usual.

Day 14

Nov. 14th, 2011 08:00 pm
crystalcazzie: (Pearlswine Loser Croc)
My god, I'm being particularly bad at being sociable today. And now I'm working myself up into a big ball of anxiety about it. And now I want to go and hide and pretend that text messages and emails don't exist. Which is probably why I don't have many friends.

I feel like I should come with a sign that says "If it takes me a while to talk or reply to you, it's not because I don't like you. It's because I'm a ridiculous idiot who can't function like a normal human being. Sorry."

Phone Fail

Aug. 17th, 2011 07:05 pm
crystalcazzie: (Pearlswine Loser Croc)
Today my manager asked me to call some people who've applied for jobs and arrange interviews with them. As I've mentioned before, using the phone is a major source of anxiety for me. But after the initial spike of panic I was, for some strange reason, gripped by foolish optimism. I thought that this could be good for me, that if I could do this I'd gain confidence and be able to use the phone from now on and that would open up more job prospects for me and I could feel good about myself and proud of my accomplishments.

Shame it didn't work out like that. I hope nobody looked into the office while I was pacing around with my hands over my head feeling like I was crawling out of my skin. That would have been difficult to explain.

I did manage to make the calls, which is something of an achievement I suppose. And I think I only sounded like a total idiot on two of them. Of course a lot of people didn't answer so I only actually spoke to a few. I should have left voice messages but I dread to think what panicky jibberish would have resulted if I had.

So... I faced my fears and came away feeling stupid and useless. Good job.

And tomorrow I'm supposed to try again to call the people I didn't get through to today. So I'm looking forward to an evening and night of ever increasing anxiety as that looms closer.
crystalcazzie: (Ski Free)
My hours at work have gone up again (thanks to rebin) and now I'm doing 9:30-5:30 every day I feel less like a total failure at life and more like a proper adult with a proper job. Go me.

That feeling faded slightly when I got home and found one of my eBay purchases had arrived slightly damaged. Now, the proper grown-up thing to do would be to send an email to the seller explaining the situation, but I have a hard enough time emailing people I know, let alone total strangers, so since it's only slightly damaged I just left feedback and mentioned it there.

I also got a letter saying a membership had expired and I have seven days to keep it going if I renew now! But that was renewed weeks ago. A cheque was sent off before I went to America. So how do I sort that out? Well, they include a handy phone number to call if you have any questions. Assuming, of course, that making phone calls is an easy, non-extreme-anxiety-inducing thing to do.

But the thing is, it is an easy thing to do. For normal people anyway. So that made me feel even more like a pathetic failure. I'm 27 years old! People my age have bills and responsibilities and rent and some even have families and mortgages. They worry about serious things, they have real life problems. And here I am almost going to pieces over the thought that I might have to phone someone up.

It also reminded me of the letter to Trailfinders that I planned to write but probably never will because I have no idea what to say and the simple act of writing a letter stresses me out far more than is reasonable.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be a responsible adult. I'm not sure I'd survive on my own.

But whatever, I have beer and beer makes everything better. I have a Peroni because when I went to get a Carlsberg I found that a spider had set up home over the opening of the box and of course I couldn't disturb him. Perhaps he was judging me for my drinking habits.

And in other good news, tonight sees the return of University Challenge! I plan to watch it while cooking dinner; spaghetti bolognese made with quorn that expired three days ago. It's unopened so I'm sure it'll be fine, but just in case I die of food poisoning, I demand that you all come to my funeral and give speeches about how much of a responsible adult I was.

Eyes and AV

May. 5th, 2011 07:20 pm
crystalcazzie: (Simpsons Hateful Morons)
Apparently the universe is telling me that I need to have my eyes tested. I had two pieces of post today. One was a card from Boots saying I should book an eye test. The other was a letter from Vision Express saying I should book an eye test.

So maybe I should book an eye test. I probably would, if only the thought of going into the place and talking to the people didn't fill me with such dread. You win again, anxiety. *shakes fist*

In other news, I voted today. I said Yes to AV. Most people I've talked to or interacted with online say they're voting yes as well but everything I've seen seems to predict a No result. How disappointing.


Apr. 2nd, 2011 03:58 pm
crystalcazzie: (L&C Crazy Lex)
Hey, everyone! Remember me? I'd been taking a little LJ-hiatus in order to become an unsociable recluse, but it's a new month and I'm trying to get back into the social habit.

I've been quite productive during my absence. Last week I went to London and booked my holiday to Las Vegas and San Francisco in June. (Hopefully once the date arrives I will have learnt how to spell 'Francisco' without having to stop and think about it like I do now.) Weirdly, it still doesn't feel like it's really happening. It still feels like something we're planning to do one day if we ever get around to it. I think I felt the same way about Australia, but I had a lot longer to wait between booking and going with that one.

Also, in the past few days I have done various things that normal adults can do without issue but which make me sick with anxiety. Not that I wasn't still sick with anxiety, but the important thing is that I did them. Maybe, in time, I too will be a proper grown-up.

crystalcazzie: (Roslin Airlock Time)
Today I commented on two LJ posts and responded to one email. It's bad that this is a huge accomplishment for me, isn't it? I think I'm getting worse.

But enough of that because OMG guess what just got posted?

The 2011 Fandom March Madness Schedule! That's what!

I can almost hear my flist dividing itself into "I know! I've got my campaign materials all ready and waiting!" and "What on earth are you talking about you complete weirdo?" Anyone in the second camp who likes TV, I highly recommend you join in. It's a lot of fun!

And can I just say I'm very much looking forward to campaigning with and/or against people I made friends with last year? It's going to be awesome!

BiCon 2010

Aug. 31st, 2010 07:26 pm
crystalcazzie: (Purple Flowers)
I figure I should write this while it's still fresh in my mind. Sorry if it's a bit long and rambling!

BiCon! )


crystalcazzie: (Default)

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