Iesus Non Amat Me

Once again I've been away from LJ for a while, mostly because I've been busy with Probate stuff and tidying the house and when I do go online I want something mindless like reblogging stuff on Tumblr or reading endless Buzzfeed posts. But I also need somewhere to write and get my thoughts down properly, so here we go:

Probate stuff is coming along. Rob and I are joint executors of Dad's estate and we're contacting various banks and organisations to get all the information together in order to apply for Probate. It's mostly going all right, although I did get a letter back from someone saying that they'd checked their records and had found no accounts under that name and I'm just like "Oh really? Then why do I have this letter from your very department, dated February this year, addressed to my dad and talking about his account?" Ugh.

The tidying the house thing is a bit weird too. I think it must be a reaction to the grief because I've always been a pretty messy person and a bit of a hoarder. (I'm the kind of person who watches the show Hoarders in order to feel better about myself because at least I'm not that bad!) But now I'm in CLEAN ALL THE THINGS mode, as well as THROW AWAY ALL THE THINGS YOU KEPT BECAUSE YOU TOLD YOURSELF THEY'D BE USEFUL IN THE FUTURE BUT IT'S TIME TO ADMIT THEY WON'T BE AND JUST GET RID OF THEM mode. I quite like it actually and hope that I can keep it up because it would be great to have a house where things are actually tidy and I can get to what I want easily.

So mostly I feel like things are going ok and I'm not doing too badly. Or at least I did until earlier today when I had a bit of a breakdown at work and now I feel stupid and embarrassed about it.

One of my managers was having a go at me for not fully explaining the feedback cards when I hand them out and I got upset and argued back, which then made him get even more annoyed and started threatening me with a disciplinary and whatever. I wish I could have remained rational, because I do have actual reasons why I think he was being unfair, but it just upset me so much because the managers were going on about these stupid feedback cards back in March when Dad was dying and bringing them up again felt like bringing everything about that time up again. Maybe that's silly and probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it's how I feel and I genuinely was really, seriously upset.

But I do also think it was unfair, because back in March my main manager specifically said I just had to hand out the cards. That was it. He didn't say start with just handing out the cards for now. He said just hand out the cards, that's all that's required. And so, I took him at his word and believed that that was all that was required. But now apparently that's not enough. I really hate moving goalposts. You can't tell me I have to do x and then get mad at me for not doing x and y. And if you are going to change the rules, you have to then explain that to me. Not aggressively moan at me for not doing something that I had been told wasn't required.

So yeah, I don't think he was being fair but I know that by reacting the way I did I've lost a lot of credibility and that really annoys me. (But, tbh, I also feel like it's not unreasonable for me to expect a bit of leeway? He went on about how this is the same for everyone and I kinda feel like I shouldn't be held to the same expectations as everyone else right now. Is that wrong? I mean it's been less than two months since Dad died and I kinda feel like the message here is that I should be over it already.)

I'm not looking forward to going in tomorrow but I'm going to try and smooth things over. My initial urge was just to quit and find something else, but I know this is the wrong time to be making decisions like that. And I have no confidence in myself and my ability to find a new job anyway.

Today did not start well. I realised last night that I've lost my FitBit. I've tried retracing my steps, assuming that it fell off at some point, but I haven't found it and I'm not sure where else it could be. It's annoying because I can't afford to replace it any time soon and I'd been interested in seeing how many steps I take over the Christmas period when we get really busy. If I do have to get another one I'll probably go for a higher model, one which tracks floors as well as steps, and maybe has a heart rate monitor too. Also one that attaches like a watch and not just clips together, so hopefully this won't happen again. But that probably won't be till after Christmas.

It's also annoying because it means I'm going to fall behind on my badges and ruin all my stats. And these things matter to me, dammit!

My day didn't get much better at work when the very first customer I had was snippy and rude. Always a lovely way to start the day. I spent most of my shift feeling tired and sad and just wanting to go home.

But it's ok! Because I made it through and now I'm home and I have wine. And tomorrow I'm going to watch fireworks. Yay.

Now, onto topic three for November: Favourite movie.

I'm not a huge movie-watcher, I much prefer TV shows, which makes it difficult to chose a favourite, but some films I absolutely love are:

1. Beauty and the Beast
2. Moulin Rouge
3. The Mummy
4. The Princess Bride
5. Muppet Christmas Carol

And yes, if you pushed me for an absolute favourite I would probably say Beauty and the Beast. I've watched that film so many times and it never loses its magic.

So apparently I was premature with my Castle love yesterday.

( In which I rant about the latest episode )

Well, he made it through the night and died this morning while I was at work. He was on the sofa when it happened, which is nice. It was another one of his favourite spots and there were people around so he wasn't alone.

It'll be strange without him though. I'll miss how he would jump on my lap and curl up there, making me stay for longer than I intended to cos I didn't have the heart to move him. And sometimes when he knew I was coming in he would sit by the sofa and look at me, waiting for me to sit down before he jumped up. I'll miss how affectionate he could be (when he wanted to, of course), a marked change from how he was when the neighbours first moved here and he would run at the very sight of us. I'll miss the way he would steal my chair after I got up for just a second. I'll even miss the way he would refuse to let me use my iPad or laptop sometimes, insisting that he should have all my attention and that pointless device was just in the way. I can't say I'll miss him meowing at 5am, but it will be strange not to hear it any more.

We buried him under the bush at the side of the garden, one with lovely purple flowers. Now I'll always think of it as the McGee bush.

Wow. Turns out that election wasn't nearly as close as everyone thought it was going to be. I'm so disappointed.

And not only did my constituency stay Conservative, which wasn't a surprise, but Jeremy Hunt won with a majority of 50%. He got more votes than every other candidate put together. That's depressing.

Farnham Rugby Club has fireworks every year. Farnham Rugby Club used to be a couple of minutes walk away. Earlier this year Farnham Rugby Club moved to the other side of Farnham, three and a half miles away. Mean Farnham Rugby Club.

So no fireworks for me today. Unless some other people nearby decide to have them and I catch glimpses of theirs.

I do have some gluhwein mix and plan on mulling some wine with it soon. I was thinking about taking it out on the patio and seeing what I could see, but I'm not sure any more. It's lovely and warm inside my house and I know this is not the case outside. Is it worth freezing myself for brief flashes that will probably be mostly hidden behind trees anyway?

Sometimes I think I should take more chances, step out of my nice and safe little rut and take opportunities that I would have otherwise turned down. Even if it's just a little thing like going to another store for a few days to help out with something there.

So I say I will. And then I realise what a fucking stupid decision that was. Note to self: Your nice and safe little rut is nice and safe. Stepping out of it just leads to anxiety, stress and misery. Don't do it.

In brighter news, I was glancing through my junk mail folder to make sure nothing important got caught there before I emptied it and I saw an email with the subject "You will be Killed in December 21, 2012 ( End Of The World )" Nice and direct there. I appreciate that. I'm a bit confused by the fact that the email itself then went on to say we need to be prepared and have disaster survival kits. I'm not sure how much that will help at the end of the world, but whatever. I'm sure the spammers know best.

I've finally caught up with the latest episodes of Merlin and now I has a sad.

They better fix this. *shakes fist*

In this entry I'm going to be getting upset about Pottermore. I'm putting it behind a cut because I'm embarrassed to be making a fuss about a silly online game that doesn't really matter, but I still want to say it.

( Guess What I Am? )

This is an entry. I am writing it and I am going to post it, even if it sucks, because it's been far too long now and I can feel I'm withdrawing into myself again, which I don't want to do.

Newswise, the pressures of retail claimed another employee this week as someone I work with walked out. He just left without telling anyone. I did feel bad for him because there have been many, many times when I've felt like it was all getting to be too much and I just wanted to walk away and escape. But when he phoned up later to explain himself he said that he wanted to mess us about. So he's fired.

Speaking of work, I have quite a bit of holiday left so I'm trying to use it up before it expires at the end of March. I have today and tomorrow as holiday, which is lovely, especially as I didn't get a proper day off over Christmas and New Year. I spent most of today making up a historical globe Puzzleball while watching Star Trek. A very productive way to spend a day I feel.

I'm not sure what the plan is for tomorrow yet. Possibly a jigsaw puzzle. Possibly some Lego. Truly I am the coolest person alive. =D