Iesus Non Amat Me

Tormund has taken himself upstairs, which is ridiculous cos it's so cold up there! Our central heating still doesn't work and we're relying on a couple of convector heaters to keep us warm. The boiler is due to be replaced in a couple of weeks and I really hope it all goes smoothly and solves the current problems without creating any more. Being the over-thinking ball of anxiety that I am I can't help worrying though, and thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

Happy official first day of autumn! I've chosen to celebrate this day by changing my theme to something appropriately pretty and autumnal.

I'm also choosing to be positive, which was difficult to do earlier cos work was unpleasant and stressful and all I wanted to do was pack it all in and go live in a cottage by the sea. A cottage by the sea with excellent internet and TV signal of course.

It felt quite autumnal when I got up this morning, by which I mean it was misty and chilly. I took Tormund for a walk after work and it had warmed up a lot. Some of the leaves are showing signs of turning but most of them are still very green. I suppose it is still early days so I can't expect too much yet! I look forward to seeing them change as the season goes on though.

My two staples of autumnal TV, Strictly and Bake Off, have both started again now. I don't know who I'm supporting in either show yet, but I'm sure it won't be long before I find some favourites to latch on to. As well as Oti, of course, who I will always love.

Speaking of TV, I've been too busy recently to watch the latest episodes of Lower Decks so I have about four of them to catch up on. That's quite nice, actually, cos it means I have a good amount to enjoy. Something I noticed when I was watching the first season was how great it was having new episodes to look forward to. As much as I like the comforting familiarity of re-watching things I've seen before, I have missed the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen next and the anticipation of finding out.

Taskmaster starts tomorrow, which is something else I'm looking forward to. I also have the book Bring Me the Head of the Taskmaster, which contains clues to solve to locate a replica Taskmaster head. I probably won't be the one to find it, but I still want to try. I've got 26/100 just on my first quick readthrough, so hopefully I'll be able to solve a few more when I have the chance to sit down and work at it properly.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Lately I've been feeling particularly stressed and unhappy, especially at work, and worrying about pretty much everything, which is not fun. So in this entry I'm going to try and be positive and focus on things that have made me happy recently:

1. Tormund. He's just such a sweetheart and I love him so much! He seems to have settled in well and looks happy here with us, which is wonderful. He still sleeps by the side of my bed. He loves going out in the car. We take him for walks up the woods nearby and he is so well behaved. He's so well behaved in lots of ways, really. We've discovered that he knows his name and will come when called. He knows 'sit' and 'wait' too. He barks when people come to the door, which is actually quite reassuring, but doesn't make noise for no reason. So far he hasn't chewed up anything or made a mess in the house, which to be honest we were kinda expecting due to nervousness and being in a new place.

2. Star Trek: Lower Decks. I've been meaning to watch this series for ages and finally got around to it the other day and I absolutely love it! It's so much fun! It's a great series in its own right with its own characters and storylines, but I do really love all the references to previous Star Treks. It's like a love letter to Trekkies and part of me does wonder how much it will appeal to newcomers, but then it's not really intended for them. That's one of the things I particularly like about it too. They don't explain the references they make, they just expect us to get them. And I love, love, love Beckett Mariner. I mean I love pretty much all of them, but especially Mariner.

3. Sims 4: Seasons. I've been considering buying the Seasons expansion pack for a while now but wasn't sure it was worth the money. So I decided to buy it on a bundle deal along with the Realm of Magic game pack and Spooky Stuff stuff pack. I haven't really done much with the latter two yet, although I am looking forward to delving into the magical realm, but I'm really enjoying Seasons so far. I love how pretty the weather is. And I do like how the different weather affects my Sims, even if it does make some tasks harder. Previously I could stick an easel in the garden and have my Sims practice any time of day, but now they get upset if I make them paint in the rain. And gardening is more challenging cos the plants only grow when they're in season, rather than all the time like before. I also absolutely love the thunderstorms. I know people say they get old quickly cos of how scared your Sims get, but I just love the atmosphere they give. It makes me feel like I'm safe and warm inside while a storm rages on outside.

I'd been preparing myself for something to be seriously wrong with Tilly and I knew it was a likely possibility that she was going to die soon. I just didn't realise how soon it was going to be. She seemed fine yesterday morning but lost energy as the day went on. I was worried when she ate her dinner without her usual enthusiasm, but the fact that she ate it at all felt like a good sign. Then a bit later she flopped on the floor and didn't want to move. As I was wondering whether to take her to the vet right then or wait and see if she perked up a bit tomorrow, she died.

I told her she was a very good dog and I loved her very much. I take comfort in the fact that we gave her a good life for nine years. Right from the start she was my dog, coming straight up to me at the rescue centre and happily going along with me despite the staff at the centre saying that we'll need help cos she doesn't like strangers. It was like she knew who I was and had been waiting for me to arrive.

I'm really going to miss her.

( Darling Dog )

A few weeks ago I noticed a lump on Tilly's chest. We took her to the vet who aspirated a sample from it and said it might just be a haematoma or possibly something more serious. We had to wait almost a full week for the results cos it was Bank Holiday weekend and when they came through they were inconclusive. The vet recommended removing the lump and sending it off for analysis, so we booked Tilly in for surgery.

The day of the surgery we dropped her off and worried ourselves sick. Then another vet called up to say that the lump had been a haematoma and there was no point sending it off cos there was no actual mass, just blood. He said we could come and collect her that afternoon and we were very relieved.

We got there to pick her up at 2:30 and were left waiting for about an hour before being called through to talk to the vet. It turned out that as they were getting her ready to go they noticed that the area had refilled with blood again, which they hadn't expected to happen. He also said that she bruised very easily and he was concerned she may have problems with blood coagulation. They did a scan of her liver and spleen, which were both normal, and took blood samples to send off.

We went back the next day for the results. Her red blood cell count was slightly high, but not alarmingly so, and could have been the result of her spleen contracting due to nerves when they took the sample. The lab hadn't been able to test for coagulation issues because the sample had coagulated in the tube before it reached them! Another sample was taken and that came back with no issues found.

The vet suggested a surgery to remove the void that the blood is filling up in in order to get rid of the lump, but we decided that if the lump isn't causing any problems and isn't a danger to her then we don't want to put her through another operation. He then consulted with a specialist who said that it might be due to a vascular anomaly or a tumour and we should wait a few weeks, keep an eye on the lump to see if it gets any bigger, and then bring her back for another appointment to see what the situation is.

At the moment though she seems very happy and bright, which is what's important. And I have to accept that she is getting on in years. If it does turn out to be something serious I don't think I'd want to put her through lots of invasive treatments. I'd rather have a happy dog for a shorter time than make her miserable just to keep her around a bit longer.

The snow has arrived and disrupted the best laid plans of mice and managers. My 52 hour work week is not to be as the buses are not running today so I wasn't able to get in at all. I also had to leave early yesterday cos the snow was getting worse and the buses stopped at 7. I spent a lot of yesterday checking travel updates and stressing about the possibility of being stranded if I missed the last bus so I'm actually pretty glad that I wasn't able to get in today cos it meant I didn't have that anxiety.

I'm also torn between feeling relieved about the fact that I don't have to work a dreaded 12 hour shift today and feeling disappointed that I'm not going to get all the money I was looking forward to. It would have been a good amount too cos after 38.75 hours I get paid overtime at time and a half, but alas tis not to be. Still, I've got a 45 hour week next week which, while not being quite as lucrative, will still get me some nice overtime. Assuming, of course, that this snow has gone by then and I'm actually able to go to work!

I've spent my day productively by making Lego sets and watching Bones. I'm now well into season six. I've just passed the Hannah chapter and am looking forward to what's on the horizon for Booth and Brennan. Not so much for what's coming up for Vincent though. *sniff*

And finally, enjoy these pictures of the white stuff that's keeping me at home instead of work right now...



A snowy garden.



Tilly in the snow.



These pots hold the tulip bulbs that I got in Amsterdam and planted last year. They say that tulips need cold weather to grow so they should be doing pretty well at the moment!

Tilly had her dental work done today. We dropped her off at 8am and I spent the next ten hours worrying myself sick and doing absolutely nothing productive all day.

We picked her up about an hour ago and I've made a chart of the various medications I have to give her. She's had her first pill and didn't seem to mind eating it, which is good. I think she's a bit upset cos she normally gets a Bonio at this time of the evening, but since she had two teeth extracted biscuits are off limits for the next few days.

We have to take her back on Monday for the veterinary surgeon to do a follow up check and make sure everything's ok, but for this weekend I plan to spend a lot of time sitting on the sofa and cuddling her.

I see LJ is once again upsetting people and causing another mass exodus to DreamWidth. I've always been reluctant to move because (a) I'm set in my ways, and (b) I forked out money for a permanent account and I don't really want to lose the benefits I get from that. But I've finally given in and signed up for a DW account so I at least have a backup and somewhere to go if it does turn out to be necessary. I'm in the process of importing this journal over to there, but so is everyone else it seems and the queue is pretty long.

In other news, we took Tilly to the vet for her annual check-up and booster jabs and it turns out she has an infection under one of her teeth. We're going to have to take her back next week to have that tooth and possibly the one next to it extracted. It's going to cost quite a bit, but I'm more worried about having to leave her there. She's always been a nervous dog and not comfortable with strangers. I know it needs to be done because toothache is horrible and I don't want her to be in pain, but I also know I'm going to spend the next week and a half worrying about it.

Remember how a while ago I mentioned one of the banks I wrote to about Probate said that they had no records of any accounts in Dad's name so I had to write back to them with a copy of a letter which stated quite clearly that he did have an account with them?

Well now, nearly three weeks after my second letter, I have a reply from the same guy as before in which he refers to my that second letter as "advising" them of Dad's death, and explains that they need to see the death certificate in order to register it.

At first I was tempted to send a long, annoyed reply detailing our correspondence so far, but I think I'll just send the certificate with a covering letter and hope that they'll get it right this time.

I am annoyed though. Firstly because he told me there was no account when there was, presumably because he didn't bother to check properly, and secondly cos he didn't really address anything I said in my second letter. In fact I'm not sure he even read it, just saw that it was about a dead person and sent the form letter asking for a death certificate. He could have at least acknowledged that I'd already written to him and sent a certificate, but that he needs me to send it again cos he didn't bother to make a copy of it the first time.

~*~

I tried to donate blood last month but couldn't cos my haemoglobin levels were too low again. This time they were low enough that they told me to see my GP and have taken me off the blood donor register for 12 months. I think that's a bit of an overreaction cos I looked it up and my levels only put me at 'slightly anaemic'.

Still, I went to the doctor and he said it could well just be due to me giving blood regularly, but he wants to do a blood test to check and see if there are any other issues that could be causing it.

It probably is just due to giving blood and I'm so annoyed with myself for it. I had had an appointment to donate later this month, but because I'll be away then I changed it and I thought it would be better to bring it forward rather than waiting another month. And if I'd just been patient and waited a bit longer I would probably have been fine and wouldn't now have to wait a year before being able to go again.

~*~

Although I don't really care about sport in any way, I have had the England v Wales match on in the background as I've been writing this and it went into stoppage time with both teams tied 1-1. I turned to Tilly and said "You need to score another goal". She huffed, laid down, and a couple of seconds later England scored. I had assumed she'd go for Wales, being from there herself, but maybe she's been living in England so long she considers herself an English dog now. Either way, very impressive Tilly!

Ah, PMS. How much do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I can't decide if my favourite part is the way my mood plummets so far down that I end up feeling absolutely hopeless and suicidal, or the way that my sensitivity to sounds increases so much that I feel like clawing out of my skin just by being near other people and the noises they make, which, when coupled with my extra irritability, leaves me feeling constantly on the verge of screaming at someone for simply existing. Or possibly bursting into tears, which I can't imagine would go down very well either.

And let's not forget the inability to concentrate on anything for more than a few seconds and the almost constant nausea and tiredness. So many super happy fun time things to choose from!

Ahem.

Moving on...

I found a lump on Tilly's leg on Sunday. We took her to the vet and they took a sample. They called yesterday and it's not malignant, which is a relief, but they're also not sure what it is. We're going to keep an eye on it and if it looks like it's getting bigger we're going to take her in to have it removed. The thought of that does worry me though, cos she's such a nervous dog. I don't want her to think we're abandoning her there!

Also, last night was pub quiz night. After our aberration of fourth place a few weeks ago we were back to full strength and back on top once again. So that was fun. I'm not sure the early start this morning has helped my mood any, but I still think it's worth it.

I've been considering writing an entry about the latest episodes of my TV shows, but at the moment it would mostly be me complaining and that's no fun. Hopefully I'll feel better in a few days and in a better position to talk about them.