crystalcazzie: (DW River hair)
[personal profile] crystalcazzie
Once again I've been away from LJ for a while, mostly because I've been busy with Probate stuff and tidying the house and when I do go online I want something mindless like reblogging stuff on Tumblr or reading endless Buzzfeed posts. But I also need somewhere to write and get my thoughts down properly, so here we go:

Probate stuff is coming along. Rob and I are joint executors of Dad's estate and we're contacting various banks and organisations to get all the information together in order to apply for Probate. It's mostly going all right, although I did get a letter back from someone saying that they'd checked their records and had found no accounts under that name and I'm just like "Oh really? Then why do I have this letter from your very department, dated February this year, addressed to my dad and talking about his account?" Ugh.

The tidying the house thing is a bit weird too. I think it must be a reaction to the grief because I've always been a pretty messy person and a bit of a hoarder. (I'm the kind of person who watches the show Hoarders in order to feel better about myself because at least I'm not that bad!) But now I'm in CLEAN ALL THE THINGS mode, as well as THROW AWAY ALL THE THINGS YOU KEPT BECAUSE YOU TOLD YOURSELF THEY'D BE USEFUL IN THE FUTURE BUT IT'S TIME TO ADMIT THEY WON'T BE AND JUST GET RID OF THEM mode. I quite like it actually and hope that I can keep it up because it would be great to have a house where things are actually tidy and I can get to what I want easily.

So mostly I feel like things are going ok and I'm not doing too badly. Or at least I did until earlier today when I had a bit of a breakdown at work and now I feel stupid and embarrassed about it.

One of my managers was having a go at me for not fully explaining the feedback cards when I hand them out and I got upset and argued back, which then made him get even more annoyed and started threatening me with a disciplinary and whatever. I wish I could have remained rational, because I do have actual reasons why I think he was being unfair, but it just upset me so much because the managers were going on about these stupid feedback cards back in March when Dad was dying and bringing them up again felt like bringing everything about that time up again. Maybe that's silly and probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it's how I feel and I genuinely was really, seriously upset.

But I do also think it was unfair, because back in March my main manager specifically said I just had to hand out the cards. That was it. He didn't say start with just handing out the cards for now. He said just hand out the cards, that's all that's required. And so, I took him at his word and believed that that was all that was required. But now apparently that's not enough. I really hate moving goalposts. You can't tell me I have to do x and then get mad at me for not doing x and y. And if you are going to change the rules, you have to then explain that to me. Not aggressively moan at me for not doing something that I had been told wasn't required.

So yeah, I don't think he was being fair but I know that by reacting the way I did I've lost a lot of credibility and that really annoys me. (But, tbh, I also feel like it's not unreasonable for me to expect a bit of leeway? He went on about how this is the same for everyone and I kinda feel like I shouldn't be held to the same expectations as everyone else right now. Is that wrong? I mean it's been less than two months since Dad died and I kinda feel like the message here is that I should be over it already.)

I'm not looking forward to going in tomorrow but I'm going to try and smooth things over. My initial urge was just to quit and find something else, but I know this is the wrong time to be making decisions like that. And I have no confidence in myself and my ability to find a new job anyway.
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