Iesus Non Amat Me

I feel thoroughly miserable. Normally I'd just stay off LJ and hide away, but nablopomo means I have to post something.

Something.

What the fuck?

My computer just Blue Screen of Death'd me and restarted itself before I could even read what it said.

I don't like this. *hugs laptop protectively*

Day 3 done. Over halfway through the week. Today wasn't great and I'm feeling rather down now, but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I should focus on good things. Like the fact that I carried 41.2kg of weights in one go. I think that's a personal best for me so far. And a complete mockery of all those health and safety videos and demonstrations they made us watch and do.

The Christmassy feeling hasn't really hit me yet. I haven't watched nearly as many things as I wanted to by this point, mainly because of how tired I am. Maybe I'll feel more festive when I wrap the presents. Which I can't do yet cos the wrapping paper I ordered hasn't arrived. It's cutting it quite close now. I may have to give in and buy more in town.

It's so nice when dark moods sneak up on you with no warning and suddenly you feel like curling in a ball and crying uncontrollably because everything feels so completely hopeless and miserable. I do so love it when that happens.

I've been feeling rather down for the past week so I've been watching a lot of Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman to feel better and, oh my god, I'd forgotten just how much I love this series. It's amazing! I've also dived straight back into fanfiction for it, which is like meeting up with an old friend.

It has reminded me of something though, which is bugging me because I can't remember what it is, and I was wondering if my flist might be able to help out. Clark's early proposal to Lois made me think of it; I'm sure I can remember a TV series where there was a male/female couple who were obviously supposed to be together and something happened and the man proposed to the woman before they were even romantically involved. It's driving me crazy cos I can't remember what it is. Part of me thinks I'm just misremembering Lois and Clark, but I was sure that there was no romantic relationship at all before the proposal in the one I'm thinking of.

So flist, any ideas? Or am I making it up?

Also, this is probably a good time to warn you all that the Oscars are on Sunday and I will be doing my, by now traditional, thing of staying up late and posting about it as I get progressively drunker and more tired as the night goes on. So you may end up with a Friends Page which is just post after post of me and my ramblings. Enjoy!

So I see my plan to comment more on LJ hasn't exactly worked. Sorry about that, everyone! I keep going through strange phases where one moment I'm all "Yay! Christmas! Friends! I'm going to decorate the whole house and then comment on everyone's Livejournal entries and reply to emails and bake cookies for all the people at work!" but then I feel tired and sad and end up crying in my room for no reason instead. As you do, you know.

But I'm still trying to keep in the Christmas spirit. So far I've watched Chuck vs the Santa Claus (Chuck) and A Solstice Carol (Xena), but I'm saving most of the heavy stuff for next week.

And, because I apparently lost my mind, I have agreed to go into work on the two Christmas bank holidays. I'm just going in for an hour or so each day to do cash office stuff because nobody else knows what they're doing in there, but I still find myself amused that this technically means I don't actually get any days off for Christmas this year.

Hey everyone. I know I haven't been around much (even less so than usual) and I thought I should explain why.

Two weeks ago we noticed that our cat Zack was looking unwell so we took him to the vet. He was admitted for a week while they did blood tests, took a bone marrow sample and gave him a blood transfusion because his count was so low.

Last week we got to take him home while they tried to work out what was wrong with him. We had to give him various different pills morning and evening. I was the bad guy who forced him to take them. I hated upsetting him like that but if it would help him get better I was going to do it.

But he just got worse. And today they told us it's cancer of the bone marrow. He had no chance of getting better and it was kindest to have him put to sleep.

So that's it. First Sammy, then Fury and now Zack. Three cats gone in six months and none of them older than a few years. Fuck you, universe. You are unbelievably cruel.

So, I finally got an appointment to have my ears syringed. I'd been trying for a while but their machine was broken and I had to wait for them to get a new one. I was very excited at the thought of being able to hear clearly again and not have horrible crunching when I moved my head.

So, I go this morning and while the left ear was done with no problems, the right ear was not so lucky.

Apparently the ear drum is visible in the right ear. It's not blocked up with wax.

That means that while I can hear better now, thanks to my left ear being cleared, my right ear is still muffled. Which is very annoying. But worse than that, it means my head still creaks and crunches when I move it in certain ways. I'm not sure it's possible to explain exactly how horrible this feeling is unless you've experienced it yourself so it's difficult to explain just how much this upsets me.

Because now what? I do still have a cold so there is the slight hope that my ear problem is related to that and it will clear up when the cold does, but I don't have much hope since I've been having ear issues longer than this cold.

All I can do is wait for the cold to clear then if I still have problems go to the doctor and see if he can help me. And I really hope he can because continuing like this would be unbearable. I was only able to cope with it for so long because I had the knowledge that it would go away once I had my ears done. And now I don't know when, or if, it will ever go away.

Hey everyone. I want to say I'm sorry for not replying to comments or people's posts for the past week but I really haven't felt up to it after what happened on Sunday.

I'm sure those of you who have been to my house will remember Fury, the little ball of black fluff who grew up into one of the most handsome cats I've ever seen. His fur made him look like he was wearing puffy trousers and long boots and he had such a personality on him.

We're not sure how he died. He was found in the neighbours' driveway so he could have been run over, but he didn't have any obvious injuries and he'd lived here for nearly three years now so I would have thought he would have known better than to go on the road. He did have grass in his mouth, which cats often eat when they're feeling sick, so now I'm really worried that he might have been poisoned by something. We still have one cat left, Zack, and whenever he goes out now I worry so much about what could happen to him.

This is the hardest part about having pets. They become members of the family and you love them so much and when something like this happens it's devastating.

It's so weird to think that he's gone. I keep expecting him to saunter around the corner in that way of his that says he owns the place, for him to scratch at the door to demand entrance and then, when someone gets up to let him in, he jumps into their recently vacated chair and just gives them that superior look of his so they know that he is the Fury and this is his chair now.

He really was a character. We often wondered if he'd mellow in his old age, but now we'll never know. :(

Last night Sammy jumped up on the table and I made a fuss of him for a while until I picked him up and moved him to the chair, after which he quickly jumped down and stalked off. That was the last time I saw him and I can't help thinking if I'd stroked him a little longer maybe he would have stayed inside, maybe he would have gone to sleep and then today he could have enjoyed the sunshine and explored the fields behind the house instead of the road. There is so much land behind the house, why did he have to go into the fucking road?

Sammy was one of the sweetest and most affectionate cats I've ever known. I'm really going to miss him.