crystalcazzie: (Moulin Rouge Done Sex)
Secret Cinema was a mixture of good and bad. I wanted to like it a lot more than I did. I wanted to throw myself into it and enjoy it all without worrying and feeling self-conscious but, unfortunately, that's a lot easier said than done. I think my main problem was with the uncertainty of it all. During the first part of the evening there was no indication of what we were supposed to do and I hated that. I always like to know exactly what's expected of me and what I'm meant to be doing, but here I spent the whole time on edge worrying that I was going to get it wrong.

Then we moved into a room with loud music and a crowded dance floor, which has never been my idea of fun, so that did nothing to help my mood.

As we took our seats for the actual film I was feeling stressed, anxious, and hugely disappointed by this thing that I'd been so excited for for so long. And then it got a million times better. Moulin Rouge is one of my favourite films so I was determined to enjoy it anyway, but seeing the people acting it out on the stage in front of the screen was brilliant. And everyone sang along really loudly, which is exactly what I wanted because I love singing along but I didn't want to risk anyone hearing me. I also managed not to cry at the ending. Partly by imagining that this was all a clever ruse for Christian and Satine to escape and make new lives together, and partly by thinking about my icon.

So I left the experience feeling conflicted. I really wish I'd been able to enjoy the whole thing, because it was a spectacular set up and the costumes were amazing. I also worried far too much beforehand about making sure my costume was right. I could have worn almost anything as long as it was vaguely Moulin Rouge-esque and would have been fine. I kinda wish I had just worn a corset and Victorian skirt. I'd probably have felt more comfortable (emotionally, if not physically!)
crystalcazzie: (DW River hair)
Pub quiz went well, but for some reason I am filled with anxiety today, feeling like I must have said or done something stupid last night and everyone on the team hates me and doesn't want me there any more.

I keep telling myself it's probably not true, but then I remember something silly that I did say and I wonder if they all picked up on it and I'm right in thinking that they all hate me.

I hope it's not true.

On the bright side, we did win again. That's good because it makes me feel like my presence is more of a help than a hindrance, which is another accusation my anxiety likes to whisper in my ear. At the moment I can say we have a 100% success rate with me on the team!

Getting up this morning wasn't a problem, probably because I was so worried about missing my train if I overslept. It was interesting to see how many people are already up and on public transport at 6am. I do like being up early and sometimes I wonder if I could do it regularly, but I'm not sure I'd be able to keep it up. Although having said that, it's not like I'm up late at the moment. I do start work at 8am after all.

Yay, Obama!

Nov. 7th, 2012 07:09 pm
crystalcazzie: (Sara Smile)
Congratulations, America. I knew you could do it.

I want to say more but I am so tired. And I didn't even stay up very long last night. I gave into my need for sleep some time before 2am, but then sleep wouldn't come and I just laid awake in bed for hours worrying excessively about ridiculous (non-election) things and being punished by my uterus for my failure to provide it with a baby.

Such fun.
crystalcazzie: (DW Eleven/River)
I have returned from the 11th Hour convention! And yes, I had a brilliant time. That's not to say there wasn't some serious anxiety, but I got through it and the good parts of the weekend definitely outweighed the bad.

Here, have some ramblings about my time there:

The 11th Hour Report )
crystalcazzie: (Default)
So, yeah. Further to my previous post here on LJ, I have gone ahead and booked a ticket for the 11th Hour convention.

And now I'm wondering what the hell I was thinking.

Seriously, what madness possessed me? I am going to have to travel to Birmingham by myself. I am going to have to make my way from the station to the hotel by myself. I am going to have to check into the hotel, which involves talking to people like a regular human being, by myself. I am going to have to attempt to make friends with complete strangers in the hopes that I won't end up spending three days sad and alone. I am going to (hopefully, subject to work commitments) meet two of my favourite celebrities and do my best not to embarrass myself horribly in front of them.

And all this when I could have not taken the risk and instead spent the weekend safe and at home with the internet and my DVD box sets.

But I'm tired of playing it safe and not doing things I want to. So I am taking the risk and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I just really hope this goes well and my attempt at being braver and more sociable doesn't blow up in my face and leave me feeling even worse.
crystalcazzie: (Default)
Ok, so no one wants to do things with me. That's fine. I'll just disown you all and find new friends. Or maybe I'll build some. Out of Lego and sticky back plastic. :p

So now I'm wondering if I should do the things I mentioned anyway, just by myself. I keep coming back to the 11th Hour convention and wondering if I should just buy a ticket, go on my own and see if I can make friends there. I am very tempted to do it. The trouble is that if I retreat into my shell as usual and fail to make friends then I'm stuck by myself for three days feeling sad and lonely. It's a risk, but maybe one I should take. Of course that may be the alcohol talking.

Yes, I am fairly tipsy right now. It's my parents' wedding anniversary so we've opened a bottle of fizz to celebrate. Mum and I only realised the significance of the day as I was checking the use-by date of my vegetable lasagne when I was trying to decide what to have for dinner. And then this happened:

Mum: 32 years. Murderers get less.
My mind: It can't be 32 years. They got married three years before I was born and... Oh god I'm old.

So... yeah. I'm getting old. I should take risks. I should go to conventions by myself and not be a total loser.

I find it funny and rather pathetic that 'going to conventions by myself' and 'total loser' are apparently opposites in my mind. Oh well.

Idiot

Jan. 5th, 2012 07:04 pm
crystalcazzie: (Default)
Sometimes I think I should take more chances, step out of my nice and safe little rut and take opportunities that I would have otherwise turned down. Even if it's just a little thing like going to another store for a few days to help out with something there.

So I say I will. And then I realise what a fucking stupid decision that was. Note to self: Your nice and safe little rut is nice and safe. Stepping out of it just leads to anxiety, stress and misery. Don't do it.

In brighter news, I was glancing through my junk mail folder to make sure nothing important got caught there before I emptied it and I saw an email with the subject "You will be Killed in December 21, 2012 ( End Of The World )" Nice and direct there. I appreciate that. I'm a bit confused by the fact that the email itself then went on to say we need to be prepared and have disaster survival kits. I'm not sure how much that will help at the end of the world, but whatever. I'm sure the spammers know best.
crystalcazzie: (Snowman and Santa)
Today I went to the post office to send off presents for overseas people. It was just as horribly anxiety-inducing as I expected and I felt like an idiot for quite a while afterwards. But at least it's done, so yay for that.

Also today at work I brought out a product that came in a plastic bag that had "Do avoid suffocation" written on it. I like the idea that it's a polite suggestion rather than a warning.

The Christmas rush has definitely started now. We've been rather hideously busy as of late. And our opening hours have extended. I start work at 8:30 all next week. This does not fill me with joy.

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